The First (and hopefully last) Hate Post By Yours Truly

I’ve avoided this for a very long time, but I can’t avoid it any longer, damn it!  I’m going to say this only once (probably), and then you will never hear me complain about it again (probably not).  I am an advocate against both Zack Snyder, and Michael Bay.  PHEW… Wow, that feels good.  They just don’t make good science fiction/fantasy work.  Look at Robert Rodriguez, Sam Raimi, or Peter Jackson.  These three artists are well-known for their ability to tackle these literary facets very well.  Zack Snyder and Michael Bay DO NOT!

 

Lame... Ass... Zombies... I bet they run or something stupid like that.

Psst... Bumblebee, crush Michael Bay. I totally have a robot voice box to give you if you do it.

( I know I haven’t explained a lot, but I’ll get to why they are horrible in a second.  I just need to do this.  It’s a part of the process.)

How can you not love this lawnmower of death creating son of a bitch?

You don't have to give me googly eyes Mr. Raimi. You're the genius here.

No one pulls off a cowboy hat for absolutely no reason like this man does.

So, as I was originally saying, this is a hate post.  About Zack Snyder, I have been quoted saying, “Zack Snyder loves to destroy the things that I love.”  Think about it.  I am obviously obsessed with all things geeky: graphic novels, films, comic books, novels, etcetera.  You name it, call it nerdy, and I pick my head up with a “Huh?” wagging my tail and such.  Zack Snyder is known for working on such things as 300, and Dawn of the Dead (remake), and Watchmen. As many of you who know me, I am obsessed with two out of the three of these things and highly respect the third.  Moving from least important to most, we will start with 300. A very interesting graphic novel written and drawn by none other than Frank Miller.  A well-known writer/artist, Miller has been known for developing a number of important things for both DC and Marvel comics.  He completely recreated both Daredevil, and Batman without even breaking a sweat.  Working a bit farther from the superhero genre he created 300.  A story loosely based on an epic event occurring during the reign of one King Leonidas.  Miller tells a very interesting underdog story chalk full of the romanticism of combat and battle.  Zack Snyder takes this and turns it into a slow motion abdominal fest with a really, really gay Xerxes.  I mean the way Persians are portrayed in Miller’s work isn’t exactly PC, but Snyder creates a more horrific piece of fiction that works very hard to try to capture different characters’ abnormalities and levels of sexuality instead of telling the story of one man’s struggle for freedom.  Again, I mention that each piece of work is VERY loosely based on an event in history, I’m just not feeling Snyder’s work (maybe in biased…  I’m probably biased).  Dawn of the Dead is one of the best horror movies ever created, ever.  This isn’t opinion. I mean it, it’s amazing.  Zack Snyder decided to be cool and remake the general idea: Zombie apocalypse takes over the world and a few people are able to hold up in a shopping mall and try to survive.  Without even looking at the number one problem with this film, that the zombies are running, it is easy to tear this piece of shit to shreds.  The idea of a zombie baby is kind of cool until you see how it’s done.  The remake takes none of the original morals instilled in Romero’s work of the horrors of American consumerism and isolation.  It is literally a gory action film which ends with absolutely no hope (I mean, how do you see that video tape at the end, who is playing it? If the survivors on the boat get to an island infested with zombies then who finds the tape?  Unless Snyder is trying to tell us that the zombies develop intelligence and find an interest in the video antics of recently ravaged humans then maybe the ending should have remained ambiguous).  I could keep going on about Dawn of the Dead but I won’t.

Just do yourself a favor and go see the original (now, I’ll wait until you get back).  

Watchmen is more dear to my heart than any other piece of fiction in this world.  When I read that graphic novel, my path in life becomes clear and I am inspired to do great things.  Even though Alan Moore created something so special to me, and I was already biased against Zack Snyder, I was still very excited to see this movie.  And if it weren’t for a couple of key elements, then I would have deemed Watchmen a success, leaving Zack Snyder the hell alone.  Number one, where is my synthetic giant, alien squid monster thing, and why did more than New York need to be hit?  I don’t like that the blast destroyed a radius of all matter.  I like the chilling images of a sold out concert, watching people dead on top of each other with blood coming out of every orifice from an exploded brain.  Call me cynical, but the way everyone dies in Watchmen (film), doesn’t capture the reality of how cruel it actually was, how many people Adrian very obviously sacrificed (graphic novel).  Number two, what the hell was the deal with the overuse of loud overbearing popular music?  It really seemed like they were playing as much of the song as they could to soak up the fact that they probably spent a shit ton of money just to use the track in the first place.  The only effective way these songs were used in the film was in the introduction that captures the Minutemen, an organization in the book no one really finds out about.  I mean you don’t know why Mothman is taken away by two cops or what happened to Hooded Justice or anyone else who blatantly died in the first fifteen minutes of the film.  Number three, Rorschach.  That’s all I’m going to say, if you want to know more about why saying Rorschach is enough alone ask me personally to post why he was ruined for me in that film, and I will appease my adoring fans.  Enough about the unoriginal tool Zack Snyder, who sticks to remakes always (and yes, I checked IMDB to make sure his newest owl movie or whatever is based on something.  It’s based on novel.  I hate you Zack.).

Michael Bay!  Alone at last.  You’re all going to be disappointed with me.  There is not nearly enough dirt I have to dig up about Michael Bay compared to Zack Snyder.  Armageddon: OK, whatever, you’re American and you like explosions and you want the world to unite by violently lashing out against an unknown asteroid and somehow Aerosmith is involved.  I mean, come on, we really can’t expect Bruce Willis to fix all of our problems for us forever.  That guy is getting a little old.  Ok sure, I’m exaggerating just a bit, but that movie really is the beginning of the end for him.  The writing team once came to Michael Bay and said, “Hey Mike, we got a solid ten minutes of dialogue, and we like it, but we need another ten minutes to fill the scene.  I know this guy who could really help with fleshing this out, and keep us under budget.  What do you think?” To which Mr. Bay replied, “No, fuck that, explosions.”  And so, it has always been.  When Michael Bay does not know what to do, he adds explosions.  This guy is a one trick pony, and people need to stop paying him for it.  Not to mention all of the crap he attaches his name to without even having roots into them.  I can’t tell you how many times I was excited to see the next horror film in theaters to only find out it was produced by Michael Bay.  People decided, based on no evidence whatsoever, that Michael Bay deserves to help remake The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Friday the 13th, and Nightmare on Elm Street.  I like how Rob Zombie remade Halloween. I do not like what Michael Bay has done, sticking his paws in everyone’s honey pot (Winnie the Pooh does not appreciate that).  Forget about Transformers one and two for just two seconds, and look at the man, Michael Bay.  He is arrogant, full of himself and thinks he is amazing.  I remember a fantastic story told by Bill Hader on the commentary of Spaced. He talked about meeting Michael Bay at the Playboy mansion one time, and it was a very funny interaction (go find it!).

Michael Bay sucks.  The end.

Phew, it has been a long post filled with a lot of hate.  Hopefully, I will never have to do this again, but horrible filmmakers be warned: I will if I have to.

Your humble servant,

Tucker Paul Stempler

P.S.  Thank you Ben, for your correction and for reading.

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